Dear Santa:
First off, Santa, I will not be leaving you cookies. At least not in the typical sense. I might whip up some vegan truffles or raw brownies if you're lucky, but really, Kringle, you don't need those dense foods. I'll give you the chocolate, but you are not allowed milk. Your treats will be accompanied by a bottle of purified water. I suggest you get a water filter or invest more in Aquafina to help clear up that ruddiness in your complexion.
Now onto my list. I would like to ask for an upswing in the U.S. economy, shelter for the homeless, free medical care for all, peace in the Middle East, universal education, and an end to racism, genderism, sexism and ageism. I would also like to ask for love, happiness, tranquility and understanding for all humans.
But since you can't actually do any of that stuff, and since it's Christmas so it's time to be materialistic and covet expensive gifts that a girl can't afford to buy herself (and who comes from a working/middle class background where nobody else has any money to throw around, either), I'm going leave you a list that you might find more practical.
First, I want some kitchen stuff. A Vitamix would be nice, and an Excalibur food dehydrator. Throw in a juicer while you're at it. Top it off with a personal raw vegan gourmet chef and that should take care of the kitchen. Oh--and the husband wants a new microwave. I really couldn't care less about that, but I should show a little selflessness since it is the holidays and all.
I would also like a cherry red convertible 1965 Ford Mustang. Those are frickin' cool. Make sure the elves have fully restored it, please. Since the Mustang isn't practical for all Cleveland winters, nor for family driving, I'd like an SUV or a minivan as well. I know nothing about any cars except muscle cars, so any SUV or minivan will do, I suppose. The ones that have built in booster seats are a plus. No televisions. I want my kids to look at the cows.
As far as my house goes, please have the elves repaint the entire exterior before you leave, and they'll need to straighten out the front porch steps and do something about the basement brick spalling. And new windows. Make sure they are paneled glass like the originals. Pella is my first choice. The sidewalk in the back yard could use replaced, but its kinda cold for that type of thing in December so maybe you can just leave me a gift certificate to have some hot, well muscled contractors come out here and take care of that in the summer. The inside of the house could use a maid and a new boiler system--oh, and some asbestos removal. Other than that we have things pretty under control.
Since I would hate to make this all about material things, I would like to add to my list full tuition to attend a yoga teacher training program. This way maybe I can learn that the real reason for the holidays isn't to line the Nordstroms' pockets, but to learn to love one another and live in peace, connected with the great soul of the world. And I might get to develop a hot bod, too. If I could ask you to leave a healthy, toned, size 6 female body under the tree I'd consider it, except that I am afraid of where you would obtain it and if it would cause you to get arrested. I'd hate to ruin Christmas for all those kids that you had not yet visited on Christmas Eve.
I'm pretty sure that's it, Santa. I really appreciate everything you did for me back when I was 8 and you were still coming to my house. I don't know why you stopped, but if it's something I said, I apologize. I never meant to hurt you, and I would like to reconcile whatever relationship we have left. I think that you giving me everything I want is a good start, don't you?
With love,
Jennifer
