An Open Letter to My Children

First, I want you both to know that my expectations of you are simple:  Be honest, have integrity, learn to admit when you are at fault, and treat others as you would want to be treated. 

With that said, I have a few other requests for your consideration:

1. Don't shop at Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart is directly representative of everything that is wrong with this country economically and socially.  I don't care if you have to drive 45 miles out of your way to get a new bathmat.  I'll send you gas money to cover your losses. 

2. Respect and honor the little man.  Go out of your way to have the local shoe cobbler fix the soles of your favorite shoes; old fashioned, I know, but someday you'll understand.  Frequent the littlest hole in the wall restaurant you can and tip the server generously.  Buy your vegetables from a little shack along a rural roadside.  I promise you that you will not regret doing any of these things.

3. Vote.  Educate yourself first.  Then vote your wallet.  This family never has been, nor is it likely to ever be, anything but middle class.  This means you are stuck on the left.  Feel free to stay here with Mom somewhere in the vicinity of Ralph Nader, or join your Dad in the realm of Che Guevara, but never try to walk the middle.  Should you break through the family glass ceiling and become a millionaire, stay on the left anyway.  The little people need your voice because they do not have one.

4. Remember when I made you watch documentary films about the U.S. food industry when you were in elementary school, and taught you how to read ingredients labels on your food?  Remember running around trying to find foods that *didn't* contain corn syrup or corn oil, and telling me that corn was "bad news" and that we will have to get our food at Trader Joe's from now on?  Remember talking about how the corn is infected with pesticides, which is then eaten by the cow, which then becomes part of your hamburger at McDonald's and your Frosty at Wendy's?  At the least, may you both become herbivores; but if you can take it beyond your own dinner plate, feel free to change the world.

5. Hold doors for people--old people, young people, disabled people, pretty people, ugly people, slow people, people that smell good, people that smell bad, and people who are making you late for another appointment.

6. Let others go ahead of you in long checkout lanes, especially if they are pregnant (or old, or disabled).  If they don't have enough money to pay for their groceries, pay the difference for them.

7. You will likely each marry someday and it will become glaringly evident to you why in some cultures, parents still arrange marriages.  Remember that long before Johnny or Jill invaded the family, there was only Gavin and Talia and that they loved each other.  The most important thing you can ever do for your family, as siblings, is to make it clear to all parties that you love everyone and nobody is going to be shunned from the family.  Should a wound be caused by your relationship, the longer you let
it bleed and fester, the worse off you will be.  There will come times when you just want to call your brother, but you will be afraid that he won't answer.  And there will be moments you'd like to share with your sister that you'll avoid because you think she hates you.  She doesn't--she can't--and she never will.  Remember, children, that no people in this life form bonds like those of a set of siblings.  Blood such as that is hard to leave behind.

8. Eventually you will come across people--people you will be forced to deal with--that you will strongly dislike.  Maybe they are negative, or unhappy, or rude, or mean...be nice to them.  They will have no idea how to handle it.

9. There will come a day when your father or I will disappoint you.  I'm not talking about forgetting to put your milk money in your lunchbox or failing to show up at the Cub Scout crossover ceremony.  I mean that we will do something really irrepairably stupid for which you will not want to forgive us.  Forgive us anyway, not just because it is the morally upright thing to do, but also because someday you're going to let your kids down, too, and you'll want them to do the same for you.

10. Read Harry Potter with your children.  Every night until you finish all seven books.  Discuss the books with them--especially the parts about making the right choices in the face of adversity.  Instill in them the honest belief that in the end, even when the wait is long, good always triumphs over evil.

11. Every day, tell your daughters they are beautiful and that they are loved, and don't let them see you fretting about your own body image. 

12. Value your natural talents, value your education, and value your friends, family, and community.  Then share.

13. Sit with me quietly to hear the vibration of the universe.  I promise you it is there.

14. Grow things.  Grow flowers, grow vegetables and herbs, grow turtles and puppies--but most of all, grow yourself--your sense of self, your pride in yourself, your spirituality, your intellect, your talents, and your understanding of others who are not like you.  Grow to love all those things you cannot do well as well as the ones you do.  It is the only way you will continue to grow.

15. Help those who are in need in some way, be it in a grand way or a small one, every single day.  Give away your unused toys and clothes at Christmas time.  Offer to help serve food at a food bank for a day.  Shovel little Old Lady Smith's sidewalk for her when it snows.

16. Be fearless and uninhibited.  Dance.  Sing.  Do something zany and unexpected.  Take an unannounced roadtrip or work with the circus for a while.  Backpack though Europe, or climb Machu Picchu, or mush some dogs across the Yukon.  Live more liberated, less stringent, less stiffled lives than your father and I lived.  Do it all and live with no regrets. 

17. Call your grandparents.  You've already lost one--you never know when the next will be called away. 

18. Make family of friends who want to be your family.  The times where families all lived communally and respected each other are long gone; perhaps they are even a mythology.  There will be people in your families who will hurt and betray you, who will drive wedges between you and other people that you love.  F-ck those people.  If you find people who love you and treat you as if you were part of their family, let it ride for a while.  Okay, on the one hand you might have just joined a cult, but it is far more likely that you have found your best friends for life.  Love is not restricted to bloodlines and DNA matches.  Love is having a mutual respect with someone for whom you'd walk into a threatening position--gladly--if it meant that you could help that person in some way.

19. Side with the righteous.  By this I do not mean that you need to be a sanctamonious asshole.  But you do need to determine, with clear head and heart, which side is the right one and once you've figured it out, stay there.

20. We are going prom dress shopping TOGETHER, Talia.  And bathing suit shopping, too.

21. Gavin, pay for your date.  It is corny and old fashioned.  She will be impressed and find it quaint.  Prove that you want be a part of her support structure. 

22. You are both smart and talented.  Beware of arrogance.  It will earn you few friends.  Many, many other people are smart, too, and they expect that to be ackowledged.  So what if your classmates don't know about the mummification and entombment of an Egyptian Pharoah?  What, you think that's common knowledge for a 7-year-old?  It's not.  If the other people around you don't share your prior knowledge, it doesn't make them dummies.

23. Someday you are going to find a spouse and you are going to start a family of your own and you are going to forget about the woman who washed your butt and took you to ballet and made sure you always had healthy food in your lunchbox and helped you with your homework and loved you more than she thought she had room in her heart to allow.  Call her.  She misses you terribly.

24. When given a choice to make, you always have the choice to do nothing.  ALWAYS do something. 

25. [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
By E. E. Cummings 1894–1962

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Dear Outback Steakhouse: I Should Not Have to Suffer Just Because My Husband Wants a Steak

Today, after six months of searching, my husband finally found a job.  Naturally, I wanted to celebrate, and of course it was only fair that I allow him to choose the restaurant, right?  Whereas I was hoping for something along the lines of a local place such as Deagan's, which offers menu options that are herbivore friendly, or even some place where I could order a nice bit of sushi roll (which is really kind of cheating for the type of diet I am trying to follow, but I haven't been able to let go of the raw seafood--yet), he chose Outback Steakhouse.

Before I go on with this story, I feel like I need to point out that we never go anywhere.  We don't have the money for a babysitter (have you seen how much these kids charge these days?!) and as should be evident by the fact that my husband has been looking for work for half a year, going out to eat is a very, very rare treat.  Furthermore, I want you to know that I love to eat.  I mean I LOVE TO EAT.  So I was super duper looking forward to this. 

And I really didn't want to go to Outback.

For one thing, I am just tired of always going to the same places.  Considering that we rarely go out to eat in the first place, to go the same restaurants every time we *do* go anywhere is just boring.  Second, I don't want steak, so it doesn't make much sense for me to go to a steakhouse.

It's not that I don't like steak.  It's not even that I have some big issue against eating animals.  I hesitate to call myself "vegan," or a "raw foodist," or even "vegetarian," because my eating habits have only just begun to change.  Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have not changed my diet to be cool or trendy.  First, I am tired of feeling like crap and being told that I need to take this drug and that drug in order to feel well and live a "normal" lifestyle; I don't buy into that anymore.  I have been told not to stop taking my antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, that the only reason I feel that I am "better" is because I keep taking them.  Bullcrap.  Since I started eating a primarily raw diet three months ago, I have felt tons better both physically and emotionally.  In addition, I am not in the same place psychologically as I was when I reluctantly agreed to start taking said prescriptions.  I think that when we are told that it is "dangerous" to quit taking the drugs we have been prescribed, often it's just the drug companies' way of making us think that we *have* to keep poisoning ourselves with their disgustingly price inflated crap so they can keep raking in more money.

The second major reason I have been trying to "go vegan" is because I have read and seen too much about where food comes from.  In this country, our farm animals are confined to small spaces and surrounded by their own feces, injected with hormones to make them fatter for the slaughter, and fed corn that has been injected with Roundup.  Not only do I not want to eat their flesh, but I don't want to consume their milk, either.  Anything that has been ingested by these animals is going to make its way into my body as well.  I don't really want my kids ingesting this toxic crap either, but I can only set what I think is a good example and take things one step at a time.  Changing the entire family's diet overnight just isn't going to happen, and I don't want to be the stringent parent who lords over her kids' plates at every meal and makes them resent healthy eating for the mere sake of annoying their parents.

And the third reason that I have dropped the animals is, to be totally honest, because I am terrified of getting fat.  Not much more to say here.

So back to Outback Steakhouse.  We get there and I look over the menu.  I figure I can order a salad of some type, no problem, right?  But I soon realized that there was NOT ONE SALAD OR OTHER MEAL ON THE MENU THAT DIDN'T CONTAIN MEAT--with the exception of the house salad.  So that's what I ordered...only to find out that it comes with cheese on it, so I had to make special requests in the dairy department as well.  This was terribly irritating to me.  I was hungry and I was supposed to be experiencing a special occasion, but all I could feel was angry that there was next to nothing on the menu that I could eat.  And to be honest, making exceptions to my eating rules is not an option anymore.  I have been eating raw and vegan for so many weeks now that eating anything else makes me sick.  Really, really sick.  Since I prefer not to spend the entire night in pain and hovering near my bathroom, I am just not going to go there.

I know.  I was at a "steakhouse."  But this is the year 2011, people.  Get a clue.  More and more people in this country are turning to veganism every day.  At the very least, you'd think that a restaurant would offer vegetarian meals other than one lousy salad.  But nope.  Nothing.

Upon coming home, I decided to do a Google search on this to see if I was the only angry herbivore who had ever visited Outback Steakhouse.  I simply searched the words "vegan Outback."  The first thing I found was a blog from a "vegan" author who went on to praise the "Bloomin' Onion" appetizer as a terrific vegan menu option.  Really?!  Why exactly are you even bothering?  Just because a dish is "vegan" doesn't make it good for you, people.  We're talking about a giant batter dipped fried onion.  I am trying to eat healthy foods that will not stop my heart and/or go straight to my thighs, thank you.  A Bloomin' Onion just isn't an option.

But more interesting than the dumb Bloomin' Onion blogger was this e-mail I found on the Vegan Eating Out website.  Apparently, someone e-mailed the corporate office with some kind of questions or demands concerning the lack of vegan choices on the menu.  Now here's the first thing that is ridiculous about Outback's response:  "Vegan" suggestion #1 is the "Blue Cheese Chopped Salad."  Are you kidding, you corporate buffoons?  Since when is blue cheese, or any other cheese for that matter, NOT an animal product?  In the e-mail, the corporation goes on to suggest that the customer eat a baked potato, or a sweet potato, or even a lovely slice of bread.  Here's a clue, Outback Corporate Imbiciles:  THE FACT THAT WE CHOOSE NOT TO EAT ANIMAL PRODUCTS DOES NOT INHERENTLY MEAN THAT WE DON'T WANT AN ACTUAL MEAL.  Are you seriously suggesting that your vegan customers simply order a side of steamed broccoli, or dine on preservative-laden pumpernickle bread alone?  If so, you are, quite simply put, a-holes. 

I ate your stupid salad--which, by the way, would have been more worth the $6 you charged me if it had at the very least been made with romaine rather than iceberg lettuce--and went on with my life.  But I refuse to be happy about it.

To be fair to my husband, who just wanted to eat a delicious shrimp appetizer in celebration of his new employment, he, too, was disgusted that there were nearly no options for me to eat.  In fact, he considered going somewhere else, but we'd already started to order and it would have just been a pain in the neck.    It's hard to enjoy your meal when your spouse can't enjoy hers as well.

So listen, Outback Steakhouse people:  You need to get with the program.  Even soup kitchens offer animal free options these days.  When you can't even keep up with the cheapest meal in town, there is something really wrong with you.

In a sick irony, after dinner my husband wanted to get a good cappuccino, so we went to The Root and, go figure, the menu included leftovers from Thursday's raw vegan night, but I'd already eaten a giant bowl of iceberg lettuce and I was too full to bother.  *sigh*

Peanut Butter: The New Class Warfare

Top news tonight on cnn.com was an article about peanut butter.  Yes, I said peanut butter.  Apparently it is about to become so costly that Bill and Melinda Gates are going to have to create a foundation for people who can no longer fit peanut butter into their budgets.  But listen.  I figure that given the conditions of our current political climate, any day where there was nothing more pressing to cover than the fate of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a good day, right? 

You can go ahead and read the CNN article if you want, but in spite of a punny teaser on the front page ("Peanut butter prices go up a chunk"), it's really not all that interesting.  To sum it up, it has apparently been a cruddy year for peanut crops, the production of which is down 13%, so this translates to a 40% hike in the rise of peanut butter, which totally makes sense to me.  I mean, I am not particularly well versed in the subject of economics (yawn), but I can totally buy the numbers here.  Anyway, what you really want to read are the reader comments.  Having myself just invested an hour of my life to doing so, I can promise that you won't be disappointed.

However, just in case you don't have that kind of time, I am happy to give you the Spark Notes version.  Thus is born the top ten most fascinating things people have to say about the rise in the cost of peanut butter.  I have to add the disclaimer that this list is in no particular order, as it is approaching 5:00 in the morning and I am just too tired to prioritize. 

1.  "Just grind your own peanuts into peanut butter."  You're joking me, right?  Because clearly only the cost of peanut butter is going to increase, not the actual peanuts from which it is made.  So knock yourself out.  Grind away.  I have no doubt that you will shave tons off of your grocery bill.

2. "Grow your own peanuts."  The squirrels in my neighborhood agree!  They love planting peanuts in my rose garden.  I am sure they would be happy to help you plant the crop that you will be unable to harvest until, oh, next September.  Till up lots of space, because if you've ever seen how many peanuts it takes to make a pint of peanut butter, you are keenly aware that you are about to lose half of your lawn.  Look at the bright side.  At least you don't have to do as much mowing.

3. "I have stocked up on year's supply!"  Wow.  Glenn Beck much?  It's a bad peanut harvest, people, not The Road.  The peanuts will be back next year, I promise.

4. <Insert stupid Jimmy Carter joke here.>

5. Bad puns.  "In this economy, we're all 'working for peanuts!'"  "Talk about a 'smear campaign.'"  "Well if that don't just stick to the roof of your mouth." "That really grinds my nuts."  Somebody make it stop. 

6. "It's class warfare!"  Yes, because only poor people buy peanut butter.  Poor, minority people specifically.  As one reader pointed out, the economically disadvantaged will still be able to purchase it with their WIC benefits.  So if you are living in poverty, do not despair; according to the most enlightened commentary--and this is by far a personal favorite--"No one starves to death in the USA, billions are spent on foodstamps every year, not to mention you can always go to your local food bank" (bad syntax and run on sentence not mine). 

7. "Boycott peanut butter!"  Okay.  Is this really that important to you?  I mean yeah, I totally agree that this is just a bunch of unethical price gouging meant to line the pockets of CEO's so they can buy more beach houses.  But seriously. 

8. "Speculation, supply and demand, commodities...."  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

9.  "It's because southern states are cracking down on illegal immigration and the crops are rotting because there's no one left to harvest them."  It's amazing, the things Americans can find to pin on the Mexicans, right down to the cost of a jar of Jif.

10.  "It's Obama's fault."  I really don't think I need to explain this one.

I need to give an honorable mention to the reader who asked the question, "isnt night shayde a weed?"  ...Huh?

So there you have it.  The Second Coming is nigh.  The communists (or capitalists, you choose) are coming for your hard earned cash.  Zombies are headed your way right this very moment to eat your brains.  There is only one way to save yourself:

Buy almond butter.