Top news tonight on cnn.com was an article about peanut butter. Yes, I said peanut butter. Apparently it is about to become so costly that Bill and Melinda Gates are going to have to create a foundation for people who can no longer fit peanut butter into their budgets. But listen. I figure that given the conditions of our current political climate, any day where there was nothing more pressing to cover than the fate of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a good day, right?
You can go ahead and read the CNN article if you want, but in spite of a punny teaser on the front page ("Peanut butter prices go up a chunk"), it's really not all that interesting. To sum it up, it has apparently been a cruddy year for peanut crops, the production of which is down 13%, so this translates to a 40% hike in the rise of peanut butter, which totally makes sense to me. I mean, I am not particularly well versed in the subject of economics (yawn), but I can totally buy the numbers here. Anyway, what you really want to read are the reader comments. Having myself just invested an hour of my life to doing so, I can promise that you won't be disappointed.
However, just in case you don't have that kind of time, I am happy to give you the Spark Notes version. Thus is born the top ten most fascinating things people have to say about the rise in the cost of peanut butter. I have to add the disclaimer that this list is in no particular order, as it is approaching 5:00 in the morning and I am just too tired to prioritize.
1. "Just grind your own peanuts into peanut butter." You're joking me, right? Because clearly only the cost of peanut butter is going to increase, not the actual peanuts from which it is made. So knock yourself out. Grind away. I have no doubt that you will shave tons off of your grocery bill.
2. "Grow your own peanuts." The squirrels in my neighborhood agree! They love planting peanuts in my rose garden. I am sure they would be happy to help you plant the crop that you will be unable to harvest until, oh, next September. Till up lots of space, because if you've ever seen how many peanuts it takes to make a pint of peanut butter, you are keenly aware that you are about to lose half of your lawn. Look at the bright side. At least you don't have to do as much mowing.
3. "I have stocked up on year's supply!" Wow. Glenn Beck much? It's a bad peanut harvest, people, not The Road. The peanuts will be back next year, I promise.
4. <Insert stupid Jimmy Carter joke here.>
5. Bad puns. "In this economy, we're all 'working for peanuts!'" "Talk about a 'smear campaign.'" "Well if that don't just stick to the roof of your mouth." "That really grinds my nuts." Somebody make it stop.
6. "It's class warfare!" Yes, because only poor people buy peanut butter. Poor, minority people specifically. As one reader pointed out, the economically disadvantaged will still be able to purchase it with their WIC benefits. So if you are living in poverty, do not despair; according to the most enlightened commentary--and this is by far a personal favorite--"No one starves to death in the USA, billions are spent on foodstamps every year, not to mention you can always go to your local food bank" (bad syntax and run on sentence not mine).
7. "Boycott peanut butter!" Okay. Is this really that important to you? I mean yeah, I totally agree that this is just a bunch of unethical price gouging meant to line the pockets of CEO's so they can buy more beach houses. But seriously.
8. "Speculation, supply and demand, commodities...." zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
9. "It's because southern states are cracking down on illegal immigration and the crops are rotting because there's no one left to harvest them." It's amazing, the things Americans can find to pin on the Mexicans, right down to the cost of a jar of Jif.
10. "It's Obama's fault." I really don't think I need to explain this one.
I need to give an honorable mention to the reader who asked the question, "isnt night shayde a weed?" ...Huh?
So there you have it. The Second Coming is nigh. The communists (or capitalists, you choose) are coming for your hard earned cash. Zombies are headed your way right this very moment to eat your brains. There is only one way to save yourself:
Buy almond butter.
