The Third They Leap

“Yoga is a powerful vehicle for change.
As you build strength, you start to believe in your own potential.”
ㅡ Tiffany Cruikshank | yoga teacher and sports medicine specialist 

I am 13 days into this raw food fast now and let me tell you, there are things that come up.  And out.  My skin is peeling everywhere.  I have a few pimples.  My hair is kinda greasy (which is a new one for me).  My nose will not stop running.  I am irritable over things that shouldn't really annoy me.  And I am a big fat crybaby.  Let me repeat--I am a BIG FAT CRYBABY.  I almost cried on my way to work the other day because I had a sudden feeling of being completely overwhelmed.  I almost cried in yoga class when I realized I could do a pose I'd never been able to do before.  I almost cried when Gavin's cub scout den leader said the next requirement we are working on is writing.... If you know my son, you know that his autism has caused verbal and written language issues that make writing send him into a near panic attack... and to try to make him write?  I've actually had meltdowns of my own trying to get him to do his homework.

Today's crybaby moment was during the sweatiest yoga class of my life.  Sweatiest EVER.  Even my elbows were sweating.  I was wiping my face with my shirt so I could see.  It was ridiculous.  Anyway, something I heard from seasoned rosarians when I first started growing roses was this:  "The first they sleep, the second they creep, the third they leap."  This means that the first year of a rose's growth it doesn't appear to do much.  It "sleeps."  But it isn't really sleeping; it is actually establishing its roots.  The next season, the rose will "creep."  As its roots have taken a firm hold, it can now start to grow upward, bloom a little more, get a little height on it.  But the third season, a rose will "leap."  Suddenly that sucker is all over the place, growing over the trellis or the fence, blooming its damn fool head off, and needing pruned occasionally to keep its health, its shape, and its focus.  You might even have to take the lopping shears to it if its ego gets out of control.

And as cheesy as it sounds, at that moment, standing in trikonasana and trying not slip on my own sweat, I felt like the rose.  Yes, I have just boiled my life down to a trite simile, but I totally mean it.  In my third year of practice, I suddenly feel like I am taking off, on the mat doing poses that used to scare me or that I was not yet capable of doing, and off the mat trying things I would have previously avoided, reacting more positively to things that used to upset me, taking leaps that I would have been too cautious to take before.

So, after a year's worth of deliberation and telling myself that I "can't make it work," I have decided to apply for a yoga teacher training to start in the fall.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for it, when I am going to find the time to do the study for it, or where I am going to ultimately go with it, but I'm going to leap and hope that the net appears.  I'd make a toast to the new me, but I'm fasting so all I can drink is water and herbal tea.

I leave you with Queen Elizabeth, the first rose I ever rooted by myself, and her first ever bloom--the one that finally appeared the year she turned three.

Wish me luck, and Namaste.

My Rosa "Queen Elizabeth," rooted from my husband's mother's rosebush in 2008.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Remember that book?

Today was Day Two of raw week in my fast.  This means that every thing I eat all day has to be raw. I had a banana smoothie and raw zucchini bread with avocado and veggie pasta with marinara leftovers and apples and grapes and etc...and a spoonful of peanut butter, which was cheating, but my craving for something sweet and fattening got the best of me after my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  And it is not a surprise that I felt so salty all day long.  Food detox, in addition to managing portion control more than usual, can make you kinda crabby.

First, I missed my workout because due to the time change, I am still super tired.  Then I got in the car without my breakfast smoothie and had to go back in to get it.  I dropped the kids off at school and drove to the gas station on fumes only to realize when I got there that I didn't have my wallet.  Had to go back home again.  I got to work and called the insurance company because they denied Jim's claim for his last eye exam, and by the time I got off the phone I was ready to cry.  Went into the building and realized that I couldn't find my personal copy of Of Mice and Men, which sucked because I was reading it aloud with my students today, but I made do with the fact that I've taught it like 1000 times now and ended up not needing my annotations.  Ate my lunch and chipped a tooth on a walnut hull that somehow made it all the way from the factory into my raw zucchini bread.  Taught two more classes where I was harassed for quiz answers and time extensions.  Drove home and wanted to nap, but that never happens, so I helped my first grader with her homework...she took about an hour to do ten minutes of work, got mouthy, lost her video game privileges for tomorrow, made a giant ordeal of everything and I even heard the words "It's my life!" Come out of her mouth.  Went to get my friend to go to yoga and got mad at the guy in the SUV who was making me late for my appointment with serenity.

I felt like this:

I

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

But the good news is that it is bed time and I was a good girl and did my meditation, and I think I am all better now because this. Day. Is. Over.

The next time you come across a cranky pants like me, they might just be craving fat, sugar, and caffeine.  Or maybe they are just having a bad day.  Be merciful, please.

Clearing Out the Junk Drawer; or, Eka Pada Rajakopatasana

I mentioned last week in my post about fasting that one of the reasons we fast is to clear the mind of clutter that gets in the way of our spiritual growth.  So it follows that sometimes when I am doing these cleanses, crap comes up that has been buried for a while.  Last night I had one of those experiences.  Last night, during a very lengthy pigeon pose, my yoga teacher asked us, "If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret having never done?"

It is highly relevant that I mention the asana because my yogi friends will recognize it as two things:  (1) One of those poses that people either love or hate, and (2) The pose that tends to make people break down and cry.  And my teacher knew the exact moment to ask such a simple, yet poignant, question.  I knew the answer immediately.  But I'll get to that.


Eka Pada Rajakopatasana--Pigeon Pose

Yoga practitioners are keenly aware of the connection between the body and emotions, aware in ways that non-yogis might consider superstitious.  But I'm telling you, this stuff is for real.  Take half pigeon pose.  In her piece entitled "What Your Favorite Yoga Pose Says About You,"  yoga teacher and blogger Lisa Agostoni points out:

"Subtlely, pigeon is connected to both the second (svadhishthana) and fourth (anahata) chakras. The second chakra is located at the sacrum or pelvic basin, and is the seat of our emotions, pleasure and sexuality. The fourth or heart chakra is where we cultivate love, compassion, and self-acceptance."

This pose opens our hips, the place where we tend to carry all kinds of emotional baggage, and in its full expression, our hearts, which we often close off when we should be opening them.  One of my own teachers refers to this pose as the one where we "clean out the [emotional] junk drawer." 

I love this pose. 

So back to me, in this pose, being asked poignant questions about my life.  Drum roll, please:

The thing I would most regret if I were to die tomorrow is that I have never publicly* taken responsibility for my part in the rift that has grown between me and my brother, and I have never told him that I am sorry for anything I said or did that may have hurt him.  I have never told him that I feel regret for all of the hours, days, months, and years spent avoiding him so as to avoid a confrontation.  I have never told him that I regret every word I said or wrote that was devisive.  I have never told him that, if I could back pedal 13 years, I would change the way I reacted to everything.  I have never told him that I am sorry for every ounce of gasoline that I ever threw on a flame, every public appeal I ever made for people to take my side, and every angry thought I ever had toward him and his wife.  So here it is.  This is me, acknowledging that everything is wrecked and that I am partially responsible for that wreckage.

I am clearing out the junk from our past and throwing it all away, and I am opening my heart to you now.

A friend of mine may have lost a brother today.  I am not sure yet--the news is still cryptic.  But what I do know for sure is that life can change in a blink of an eye.  Tomorrow, one of us could be gone.  I'm tired of the wasted years, and I just want to start over.  Bygones are bygones.  All is forgiven.  And all of those other cliches. 

You can call me any time.

 

 

*By "publicly" I mean that I have never admitted to any of this anywhere but in my own heart.

A New Goal

Today I decided that my new goal is to work out and lose enough weight so that my boobs will not constantly be falling out of the top of my shirt when I am in an inversion....or smothering me in halasana.  If you think that was TMI, deal with it.  I'm tired of them getting in the way and I am not willing to do anything unnatural, so this is all the more incentive to really change my habits overall this time and not go back to making oven fries every time I crave greasy foods because I rationalize that if I make it myself, it's good for me.

Vaguely uneventful day here on fast day 1 since this is vegan week so not much has changed for me.  I am amazed that I am not tired because I slept so poorly last night, but I've had two glasses of fresh juice in the place of coffee, which I think really helped.

On the super awesome front, however, is that I got into headstand without using the wall for the FIRST TIME EVER!!  It was so exciting that once I realized I'd done it, I fell over.  What is amazing is that it almost seemed easy.  That takes more core strength than you'd imagine.  I must be getting somewhere.

That's really my only update for today as far as the fasting thing goes, other than that I bought about 3 lbs of grapes for then the sugar cravings start to kick in.  Which will be soon.  Quitting sugar is harder than quitting alcohol, caffeine, or smoking.  I know because I have quit all of them and I'm telling you, sugar is evil evil evil.

Don't trust the sugar man.

Moses, Jesus, and Me

Oh, hi.  It's been a while.

Tomorrow I begin my fourth 28-day-cleanse.  It's hip to call these things "cleanses" or "detoxification" or whatever these days, but what it boils down to is that I am going to be taking part in a four week long fast.  It's not a complete fast, like Moses or Jesus wandering through the desert for 40 days with nothing but water, sore feet, and temptation, but it's a fast nonetheless.  And it got me thinking about how in the past, I don't feel as if I have taken as much advantage of these fasts as I could have...in fact, the last time I was downright lazy about it.  Sure, I only ate--or didn't eat--what I was supposed to and all that, but fasting isn't just about what we (don't) eat.

I've been reading up on fasting the past few days, and it seems to me that every major spiritual group that fasts (which is pretty much all of them) does so with these primary reasons in mind:

1. To deprive the body of earthly things that clutter our minds and get in the way of spiritual growth;

2. To make a path for greater spiritual connection with God or the gods or the Self or the Universe whatever-it-is;

3. To regain control of ourselves--to practice self-disipline, self-control, patience, and endurance; dare I say "to resist temptation?";

4. To reflect on the fact that there are others out there who live in deprivation every day;

and, in addition to that, traditional Ayurvedic medicine adds that

5. By abstaining from eating--either by eating only simple foods or by abstaining from food completely--we give the digestive system time to rest and the body time to get rid of any impurities that are weighing us down or causing us illness.  It is a time of rest and rejuvenation for the system.  It is restorative.

So, why am I blogging about this?  In particular, I have read that Orthodox Christians and Muslims specify that one should "suffer in silence." To announce to the world, "Hey!  I'm fasting!  And I am soooo awesome and spiritual and, oh yeah, soooo dying for a plate of french fries!" is tacky and defies much of the spiritual purpose of fasting.  However, I have decided to blog about my experience because: (a) I am supposed to keep a journal anyway, and last fall I was totally terrible at keeping my journal.  Perhaps blogging will motivate me.  (b) I come across information that I find interesting and I like to share with others.  (c) I like to take pictures of my food and post them for the world to see.  Food is fun.  And (d) I hope that maybe my journey will inspire others to try a fast sometime.  I actually find it exciting.

The specifics of this fast are as follows.  First and foremost, there are no processed foods allowed, no caffeine, no sugar, no alcohol.  Only whole, vegan foods.  Week 1 is vegan whole foods week.  Week 2 is raw foods only--that's where it gets interesting.  You may think this seems like a very boring way to eat, but you'd be amazed at what can be done with plant based foods, a Vitamix, and a good food dehydrator.  Week 3 is juice only.  The longest I have made it is 5 1/2 days.  I debated just doing a fruit fast this time because I tend to binge after a juice fast and wreck everything I worked so hard to achieve, but I am still thinking that over.  And week 4 is raw foods again, slowly introducing easily digestible foods to the system.  I always feel awesome until week four when I break down and buy something fried or make a grilled veggie cheese sandwich.  I need to work on that.

I am also adding something that I haven't done before.  I am going to focus this month on the Niyama Tapas.  More on that later, but it seems to fit pretty well with what I am trying to accomplish, which is to train myself to stick with the hard stuff when my feet are in the fire.

So there you have it.  Day 1 tomorrow.

Namaste.