Clearing Out the Junk Drawer; or, Eka Pada Rajakopatasana

I mentioned last week in my post about fasting that one of the reasons we fast is to clear the mind of clutter that gets in the way of our spiritual growth.  So it follows that sometimes when I am doing these cleanses, crap comes up that has been buried for a while.  Last night I had one of those experiences.  Last night, during a very lengthy pigeon pose, my yoga teacher asked us, "If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret having never done?"

It is highly relevant that I mention the asana because my yogi friends will recognize it as two things:  (1) One of those poses that people either love or hate, and (2) The pose that tends to make people break down and cry.  And my teacher knew the exact moment to ask such a simple, yet poignant, question.  I knew the answer immediately.  But I'll get to that.


Eka Pada Rajakopatasana--Pigeon Pose

Yoga practitioners are keenly aware of the connection between the body and emotions, aware in ways that non-yogis might consider superstitious.  But I'm telling you, this stuff is for real.  Take half pigeon pose.  In her piece entitled "What Your Favorite Yoga Pose Says About You,"  yoga teacher and blogger Lisa Agostoni points out:

"Subtlely, pigeon is connected to both the second (svadhishthana) and fourth (anahata) chakras. The second chakra is located at the sacrum or pelvic basin, and is the seat of our emotions, pleasure and sexuality. The fourth or heart chakra is where we cultivate love, compassion, and self-acceptance."

This pose opens our hips, the place where we tend to carry all kinds of emotional baggage, and in its full expression, our hearts, which we often close off when we should be opening them.  One of my own teachers refers to this pose as the one where we "clean out the [emotional] junk drawer." 

I love this pose. 

So back to me, in this pose, being asked poignant questions about my life.  Drum roll, please:

The thing I would most regret if I were to die tomorrow is that I have never publicly* taken responsibility for my part in the rift that has grown between me and my brother, and I have never told him that I am sorry for anything I said or did that may have hurt him.  I have never told him that I feel regret for all of the hours, days, months, and years spent avoiding him so as to avoid a confrontation.  I have never told him that I regret every word I said or wrote that was devisive.  I have never told him that, if I could back pedal 13 years, I would change the way I reacted to everything.  I have never told him that I am sorry for every ounce of gasoline that I ever threw on a flame, every public appeal I ever made for people to take my side, and every angry thought I ever had toward him and his wife.  So here it is.  This is me, acknowledging that everything is wrecked and that I am partially responsible for that wreckage.

I am clearing out the junk from our past and throwing it all away, and I am opening my heart to you now.

A friend of mine may have lost a brother today.  I am not sure yet--the news is still cryptic.  But what I do know for sure is that life can change in a blink of an eye.  Tomorrow, one of us could be gone.  I'm tired of the wasted years, and I just want to start over.  Bygones are bygones.  All is forgiven.  And all of those other cliches. 

You can call me any time.

 

 

*By "publicly" I mean that I have never admitted to any of this anywhere but in my own heart.